This blog is a secret.
And so am I.
The noise is great because it makes it easier to hide - to be invisible. To exist without all of the eyes watching and the people judging.
But now it's time to be quiet.
It's time to be honest.
My parents don't know about that blog post I wrote on Hey There, Delilah and I never shared it with them because it was a secret and because I think my mom would be ashamed that I opened up to people I barely knew, but it took me seven and a half years to talk to her about it.
My little brother is afraid of becoming my father and I think that's a little alarming. But I'm glad he's trying to be better.
I can't make decisions and I struggle with expectations because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will always let people down. I will always be a disappointment.
Years ago, I was raped.
And I don't remember it. And he doesn't understand it, even though he tries his best to be patient.
And he says he loves me and I love him but then why do I look for the cracks in his armor?
I think it's because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of having good things because I feel like they can't exist and if they do, someone like me doesn't deserve them.
Today I received a package of candles and a beanie that I've been looking forward to getting for over a week and the best and the worst part is finally opening it. Because you see it. It's finally yours. But then the moment and the waiting is over.
It's all over.
Sometimes, I just want to scream. Scream so loud I turn myself inside out. Or maybe cry until the tears are empty and I feel reborn. Instead I just sit.
And feel it all, boiling inside.
Trapped and stuck but behaving.
Not talking about it because it's scary.
Because I shouldn't feel this way.
I should be happy, right?
I should be happy.
Nothing makes sense. Everything is a mess. I'm a mess. I don't feel like the main character in a story, I feel like I'm losing control.
Is Tanner the main character?
Who am I?
What is this?
What is happening to me?
And so am I.
The noise is great because it makes it easier to hide - to be invisible. To exist without all of the eyes watching and the people judging.
But now it's time to be quiet.
It's time to be honest.
My parents don't know about that blog post I wrote on Hey There, Delilah and I never shared it with them because it was a secret and because I think my mom would be ashamed that I opened up to people I barely knew, but it took me seven and a half years to talk to her about it.
My little brother is afraid of becoming my father and I think that's a little alarming. But I'm glad he's trying to be better.
I can't make decisions and I struggle with expectations because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will always let people down. I will always be a disappointment.
Years ago, I was raped.
And I don't remember it. And he doesn't understand it, even though he tries his best to be patient.
And he says he loves me and I love him but then why do I look for the cracks in his armor?
I think it's because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of having good things because I feel like they can't exist and if they do, someone like me doesn't deserve them.
Today I received a package of candles and a beanie that I've been looking forward to getting for over a week and the best and the worst part is finally opening it. Because you see it. It's finally yours. But then the moment and the waiting is over.
It's all over.
Sometimes, I just want to scream. Scream so loud I turn myself inside out. Or maybe cry until the tears are empty and I feel reborn. Instead I just sit.
And feel it all, boiling inside.
Trapped and stuck but behaving.
Not talking about it because it's scary.
Because I shouldn't feel this way.
I should be happy, right?
I should be happy.
Nothing makes sense. Everything is a mess. I'm a mess. I don't feel like the main character in a story, I feel like I'm losing control.
Is Tanner the main character?
Who am I?
What is this?
What is happening to me?
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